To the Person I’ve Become after Baby Loss


“I can’t believe it’s been…”

Double A and I say this often as each anniversary nears. Today, that year is four. Four years since we said hello and goodbye to our Sarah and Benjamin. And even as time continues to pass by, it stands still. In the days surrounding the anniversary, emotions are all over the board. The events of October 8 and 9, 2012 replay like a horror movie marathon I can’t turn off. From the first unknown pains of labor to being wheeled from the hospital, forever leaving our babies behind. From the funeral and the days that followed, I can feel, hear and smell each moment. It’s a part of my story now, and even though it is a painful part, I keep it close, as it is a way of staying connected to their story. It’s part of how I stay connected to them.

I think back to the me that I was in the days leading up to then, and I feel sorry for her. I have this tremendous sadness for the woman I was then, because she has no clue what’s about to happen. And while our previous five losses had obviously made me familiar with intense grief and sadness, the enormity of losing the twins changed me forever.

That said, I look to the woman I am today—in spite of, and because of our experiences—and I’m incredibly proud and grateful for who I have become. I am a mother, a wife, and a friend. I am determined, resilient and strong. I speak the words some cannot, and say things others don’t want to hear. I’m an advocate and a survivor.

My story didn’t end that day.


The Joy and Wonder of Parenting after Pregnancy Loss

©Will CarryOn

I’m over at Pregnancy After Loss Support today asking the question, How did we get here? 

“It’s a simple question that’s loaded with emotion. There have been several moments like this over the past three years. Some big, and some fleeting. Most are messy and others Rockwell-esque. But each one has been impactful.”

You can check out the post here.

The Emotions of the Positive Pregnancy Test After Loss: Pregnancy After Loss Support


(Rest assured, I’m not pregnant.) We’re over at Pregnancy After Loss Support today, talking the lingering emotions attached to pregnancy tests.

Those two lines represent such an evolution of myself, and of Aaron and I as a couple. It’s a reminder of where we’ve been, and where we are. And of the struggles and triumphs along the way.”

You can check out the post here.

Finding Perspective: The Adoption Home Study (Pregnancy After Loss Support)

DifficultRoadsWe’re over at Pregnancy After Loss Support today, talking about the unforeseen benefits and advantages of completing an adoption home study.

Anyone can have a baby, and we have to fill out fire escape forms.”

You can check out the post here.

Dads Matter: Pregnancy After Loss Support

DadsMatterWe’re over at Pregnancy After Loss Support today, shining some much needed light on, and support for, Dads.

“Of course you want to take that pain and sadness away from her. And now that she’s pregnant again, you have to be the strong one. You have to remain guarded this pregnancy to protect her, right? Not so fast.”

You can check out the post here.

A Mother is a Mother Any Day


Mother’s Day was eight days after C was born. “Happy 1st Mother’s Day!” family and friends gushed. “Thank you,” I said. “But it’s not my first Mother’s Day. It’s the first Mother’s Day that I have something to be happy about, too.”

Now, it’s a bittersweet day that I celebrate with my boys, and ache for my children who aren’t here. Today more than others, as it is the anniversary of my first miscarriage eight years ago.

Mother’s Day, and the time leading up to it, is a difficult day for many, including us loss Moms. While everyday is a reminder of what we lost, Mother’s Day puts it front and center. And it’s further complicated when there are additional children, whether born prior, or after our losses. To many in the the outside world, these children replace those we lost, or take away the pain we’ve gone through. To many, because we never parented the children we lost, we don’t “count” as Mothers.

We are all Mothers, regardless of whether we got to parent our children. We love. We dream. We grieve. To all of the loss Moms out there, we stand with you, and we honor you, today and everyday. Be extra gentle with yourselves today, and do what you need to help you through the day.

And to all of those of you who have a family member or friend who lost their child(ren), please recognize them today as the loving, caring and grieving Mothers they are.