Perfectly Imperfect, but Not Complete

Sarah and Benjamin

It’s amazing how time can pass and stand still at the same time. Today is six years since we said hello and goodbye to our Sarah Hana and Benjamin Samuel in the same breath. Six years that feels like an eternity, and at the same time, yesterday.

Much has happened in this time, and the optimist in me likes to think that our lives have only gone up from the rock bottom of those dark days. After all, we surprisingly—and most gratefully—welcomed three beautiful boys to our family. It is also what has reshaped who I am, what I believe and why I persevere.

Loss is a truth I live with every day. Most days it is hidden from the outside world, and appears as a passing memory, wonder or feeling. Other days, it is a pit in the stomach, oversized blanket squeezing in on me, ugly cries in the ongoing fluctuation that is grief. Regardless of the type of day I’m having, one thing remains. I try live each day with the purpose to honor Sarah, Benjamin, Baby Krueger, the four we never met, and make them proud. And I try to take in the joy I see in C, J, and E. Some days I’m graceful, and most others, I’m a controlled (or out of control) train wreck. Come on, even though I am so grateful to have what I have, I’m still human.

A stranger on the street may look at our family as perfect. But I know that’s not possible. Perfection isn’t real, and if it is, it can’t last. Perhaps we’re perfectly imperfect, but not complete, as there will always be family missing.

Over time, I’m learning that honor looks different on a daily basis. Grief and love too. Each day forward is a step away from the past, and as much as I’d like to forget it, I’m also hanging on with all my might. If I let go, who will say their names and share their story?

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The Days that Everything Changed (Pregnancy After Loss Support)

The Days Everything Changed

We’re over at Pregnancy After Loss Support today as we celebrate Little E’s first birthday, and reflect on the events of 9/11.

“On some levels, I believe that life is a series of new normals. Some are for positive reasons, and others not so much. Then again, maybe there isn’t such a thing as normal because life is constantly evolving whether we’re ready or not.”

Check out the full post here.

Adoption is Not a Lifetime Movie (Pregnancy After Loss Support)

NotMyStorytoTellWe’re over at Pregnancy After Loss Support today talking about adoption, and the oftentimes invasive questions we’re asked by others.

“We don’t have all of the answers, and we’ll never be done learning. We’ve come to see and understand that a big part of adoption is about educating. Educating ourselves. Educating C, and J and E. And educating our family and friends, teachers, doctors and more.”

Check out the full post here.

Don’t Shame Us for Trying (Again): Pregnancy After Loss Support

Don't Shame Us for Trying (Again)

We’re over at Pregnancy After Loss Support today talking about the judgement loss parents often get for continuing their quest for living children.

“The thing is, pregnancy after loss is hard enough with all of the fear, anxiety and PTSD. PAL takes tremendous courage and vulnerability every moment, of every day of those 40 weeks.”

Check out the whole post here.

To My Husband on Father’s Day (Pregnancy After Loss Support)

AaronFathersDay

We’re over at Pregnancy After Loss Support today, with an ode to Double A for Father’s Day.

“At a time when many couples split up, you were the yang to my yin. Together, we figured out how to dig deep, and then dig deeper to find the courage and strength to try again.”

Check out the full post here.

 

The Pride in Sharing Mother’s Day (Pregnancy After Loss Support)

SharingMothersDay1

We’re over at Pregnancy After Loss Support today with a pre-Mother’s Day post.

“I’m no more his “real” Mom than she is. We are two Mothers who love their son deeply. We are two Moms who know the pain of not having their children with them. We are different. We are the same.”

Read the full post here.

 

 

My Body the Rockstar (Pregnancy After Loss Support)

Self-CompassionWe’re over at Pregnancy After Loss Support today talking about the effects that pregnancy loss, and pregnancy after loss have on body image:

“I had always looked at my body as strong and capable, and here I was, no longer able to trust it. I was having an identity crisis, while simultaneously grieving and trying to conceive at the same time. I didn’t know who I was anymore.”

Read the full post here.