So it only seems fitting that this, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, should be the first post of Will CarryOn. Tonight, my husband and I joined countless others in lighting a candle to honor our four losses. Our most recent one taking place just 6 months and 5 days ago at 17 weeks.
We realize we are not alone, that we are part of a much larger group. And yet, at the same time, we found ourselves lost in the deafening sadness, anger, disappointment and wonder of what went wrong, what did we do and why did we deserve this…again. It has taken us (read: me) much time, many tears, lots of research and of course, good old therapy to realize, that there are no answers. That’s right, there’s nothing that we did – or didn’t do – that could have prevented all of this. And this is something I, as a type-A personality do not want to hear. I like cut and dry. Black and white. Right and wrong. And let me tell you, this is wrong.
You see, when I want something, I do whatever it takes to get it. Not in a spoiled way, rather an “I’m stubborn and I’m not giving up” way. So you can imagine how I’ve dealt with the “whole out of my control” aspect of all of this. While I realized recently how far I’ve come over these past months, I still have days that bring me back to the morning of Sunday, April 10. Where the detailed scenes of that day play like a movie on constant replay in my head. And that sucks. It takes everything inside of me, and the incredible support (and push) from my husband to keep moving forward. And I do, because I know that some how, some way, we are going to get there. At the end of the day, in spite of my fears, I do know, I will carry on. My husband will carry on. Our babies’ memories will carry on. We will carry on. We have to. Did I mention the whole stubborn and not giving up thing?