Perfectly Imperfect, but Not Complete

Sarah and Benjamin

It’s amazing how time can pass and stand still at the same time. Today is six years since we said hello and goodbye to our Sarah Hana and Benjamin Samuel in the same breath. Six years that feels like an eternity, and at the same time, yesterday.

Much has happened in this time, and the optimist in me likes to think that our lives have only gone up from the rock bottom of those dark days. After all, we surprisingly—and most gratefully—welcomed three beautiful boys to our family. It is also what has reshaped who I am, what I believe and why I persevere.

Loss is a truth I live with every day. Most days it is hidden from the outside world, and appears as a passing memory, wonder or feeling. Other days, it is a pit in the stomach, oversized blanket squeezing in on me, ugly cries in the ongoing fluctuation that is grief. Regardless of the type of day I’m having, one thing remains. I try live each day with the purpose to honor Sarah, Benjamin, Baby Krueger, the four we never met, and make them proud. And I try to take in the joy I see in C, J, and E. Some days I’m graceful, and most others, I’m a controlled (or out of control) train wreck. Come on, even though I am so grateful to have what I have, I’m still human.

A stranger on the street may look at our family as perfect. But I know that’s not possible. Perfection isn’t real, and if it is, it can’t last. Perhaps we’re perfectly imperfect, but not complete, as there will always be family missing.

Over time, I’m learning that honor looks different on a daily basis. Grief and love too. Each day forward is a step away from the past, and as much as I’d like to forget it, I’m also hanging on with all my might. If I let go, who will say their names and share their story?

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2 thoughts on “Perfectly Imperfect, but Not Complete

  1. Erin, holding you and your family in my heart today and always. You carry the grief and the gratitude together; thank you for sharing.

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