Circle of Life

Big E and Little E

It’s been just over two months since our youngest son, Little E arrived. He came into this world proudly showing off the strength of his lungs, with a voice that clearly had much to say. Little E’s arrival, two weeks earlier than expected, came at a time where joy was greatly needed in my family. You see, my 94-year old grandmother had just passed away a week earlier, and he arrived on what was to be the last day of her shiva. Talk about the circle of life.

Since the moment he was born, I’ve stared at him in disbelief. After all that Double A and I️ have been through, to be so lucky as to have three healthy, beautiful boys at home, who are so full of life, is everything and then some. Bringing home C was such a gift that turned a light back on in us that we thought was gone forever. J’s arrival was a bonus. And Little E is the icing on the cake we already thought was so sweet.

Somehow, I️ was less anxious this time around. While I️ wouldn’t let my guard down until he was actually here safely, I️ did find myself more present.

Experiencing this pregnancy, a bonus in and of itself, had me in awe with each ultrasound picture, hiccup, kick and turn. I️ knew this was truly the last time I️ was going to be able to experience these precious moments, and I️ wanted–no, I️ needed–to take it all in and store it with my core memories. There were so many years that I️ couldn’t get to this point, and now that I️ was given another opportunity, I️ certainly wasn’t going take it for granted. This is not lost on me now that he’s here and I️ take in the last of the firsts with much joy and excitement, combined with a little bit of sadness.

As we navigate life with three boys, things are pretty crazy, seem surreal, and take much longer than they used to. (Perhaps that’s the reason why it has taken me so long to write about Little E’s arrival!) And amidst the chaos, I️ often find that I️ step back to take in each of our boys, and realize what a journey this has been so far, just how grateful I️ am.

Little E’s Hebrew name is after his sister Baby Krueger, my Grandma Helen, and Papa Harold. One who didn’t get to experience life and two who experienced 190 years between them. It is our hope that the life we create for him, and what he makes of it, is filled with much joy, laughter and adventure, and one that carries on the legacy of his namesakes.

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The Importance of Pals During PAL (Pregnancy After Loss Support)

Importance of Pals

We’re over at Pregnancy After Loss Support today.

“Having that time away got me outside of my own head, a true feat in itself. It reminded me of the importance of having a group of friends who can take me way outside of my element without even trying.”

Check out the full post here.

B’sha’ah Tovah: All in Good Time (Pregnancy After Loss Support)

Patience

I’m over at Pregnancy After Loss Support today talking about patience.

“But on the other hand, there was life to be lived during that time. And shutting down or tuning out meant that we’d miss out on precious time in our lives, as individuals, as a couple, and as parents.”

You can check out the full post here.

Finding Presence of Mind During PAL (Pregnancy After Loss Support)

Presence

I’m over at Pregnancy After Loss Support talking about the importance of staying present:

“From the start, I was convinced that all will be OK with this pregnancy and the baby, and I know I need to trust my gut. Yet trusting my gut—and my body—during PAL is hard when both have let me down so many times in the past.”

You can check out the full post here.

The Pregnancy After Pregnancy Loss (PAL Support)

PregnancyAfterPregnancyLoss

We’re over at Pregnancy After Loss Support today talking about the pregnancy after pregnancy loss:

“Pregnancy after loss is nothing new to me. After all, this is my seventh pregnancy. But this is my first pregnancy after a successful pregnancy after loss. So I find myself in new territory that I’m not sure I know how to handle.”

You can check out the full post here.

Another New Chapter

LifeIsWhatHappens

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” One of my favorite song lyrics from John Lennon’s Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy) that has become a reoccurring theme in my life. And one I’ve learned to mostly embrace rather than fight.

This theme rang true once again in early February when we discovered I was pregnant. After all, we thought we were done. It has been a total surprise to everyone, especially to Double A and me. And while I decided early on that I didn’t have the energy to hide this pregnancy physically, I’ve also avoided talking about it, and writing about it.  I thought that the pregnancy after pregnancy after loss would be easier, and yet here I am.

On some levels, this feels like an extravagance of riches after everything we’ve gone through. We have two smart, beautiful, funny boys at home. And the 7x loss mama in me feels guilty. But really where it comes from is the fear of not knowing what’s ahead. Perhaps if I don’t talk about it much, keep my head down and keep moving forward, all will be OK.

That said, I know there’s no guarantee, and there is no control in life, let alone in pregnancy. On most days I realize that my worrying about this pregnancy won’t do me any good. So on most days, I just am. But on those days where I need an extra peace of mind, I don’t hesitate to call the doctor and go in for an extra scan or a listen on the Doppler. These are the days where I feel a bit like a crazy lady, but history has given me that permission. And I also know that our former therapist is a call away.

I both loathed and embraced the extreme nausea I experienced for the first 15 weeks as a sign that things were moving in the right direction. I was shocked, thrilled and a bit nervous to find out we’re having another boy. And now, as I’m just past the 19w mark, I savor every random kick or punch and wait not so patiently for the feeling of full movement to set in.

My milestones come daily, as looking out 21 more weeks is just too much. I’m replicating the care I had with J, taking the same precautions with weekly progesterone shots and cervix measurements. Small steps for a big outcome. And so we hope.

The Chosen Ones: Getting The Call (Pregnancy After Loss Support)

C_Birthday

We’re over at Pregnancy After Loss Support today talking about the day we got the call that C’s birthparents had chosen us:

“We were deeply invested in the situation, and at the same time, completely separated. We didn’t have doctor appointments to go to. We didn’t get to see ultrasound scans and pictures. I didn’t get to feel the baby moving. We relied on conversations and hope.”

You can check out the full post here.