“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” One of my favorite song lyrics from John Lennon’s Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy) that has become a reoccurring theme in my life. And one I’ve learned to mostly embrace rather than fight.
This theme rang true once again in early February when we discovered I was pregnant. After all, we thought we were done. It has been a total surprise to everyone, especially to Double A and me. And while I decided early on that I didn’t have the energy to hide this pregnancy physically, I’ve also avoided talking about it, and writing about it. I thought that the pregnancy after pregnancy after loss would be easier, and yet here I am.
On some levels, this feels like an extravagance of riches after everything we’ve gone through. We have two smart, beautiful, funny boys at home. And the 7x loss mama in me feels guilty. But really where it comes from is the fear of not knowing what’s ahead. Perhaps if I don’t talk about it much, keep my head down and keep moving forward, all will be OK.
That said, I know there’s no guarantee, and there is no control in life, let alone in pregnancy. On most days I realize that my worrying about this pregnancy won’t do me any good. So on most days, I just am. But on those days where I need an extra peace of mind, I don’t hesitate to call the doctor and go in for an extra scan or a listen on the Doppler. These are the days where I feel a bit like a crazy lady, but history has given me that permission. And I also know that our former therapist is a call away.
I both loathed and embraced the extreme nausea I experienced for the first 15 weeks as a sign that things were moving in the right direction. I was shocked, thrilled and a bit nervous to find out we’re having another boy. And now, as I’m just past the 19w mark, I savor every random kick or punch and wait not so patiently for the feeling of full movement to set in.
My milestones come daily, as looking out 21 more weeks is just too much. I’m replicating the care I had with J, taking the same precautions with weekly progesterone shots and cervix measurements. Small steps for a big outcome. And so we hope.