Sounds of Pregnancy Loss Replayed

On my drive home from work, the song Breathe by Alexi Murdoch came on, and it actually took my breath away. You see, not long after we lost the twins, I came across this song, and used it as a way to remind myself to step back, take a breath, and realize that somehow, someway I was going to get through this and be okay. It was one of many songs that helped to get me through the darkest of days.

My iTunes must have been onto something because next up came Adele’s Rolling in the Deep, whose lyric, “We could have had it all.” used to taunt me. Then, for good measure, Hasa Diga Eebowai from The Book of Mormon came on. It has some choice words for G-d, which, at a time when we didn’t know what to believe in, resonated with us (and truthfully just made us laugh).

Listening to this trilogy of songs, nearly two and a half years later, brought me right back to the exact moments: Every feeling. Every sadness. Every anxiety. Every bit of grief that encompassed me then, flooded my back over me once again. I almost had to pull the car over.

Music has always been such a meaningful part of my life. It’s something I’ve relied on as my trusty companion. It has gotten me through, and taken me back to so many moments—good and bad—with a single note. And sitting there, listening to these songs, I realized just how powerful music was for me during that time. While I don’t want to be reminded of all that pain, suffering and sadness (many of these songs I still can’t won’t listen to), I realize just how far we’ve come. I’m reminded of our perseverance. Of our determination. Of our survival. And I’m reminded that we wouldn’t give up on ourselves, or our dreams. So when John Hiatt’s Rest of the Dream came on next, I was a puddle.

I’ve listened to that song numerous times, but apparently never heard it until that instant. These days, I often feel like I’m living in a dream. I look at our boys and can’t believe they are really here. I think of all we’ve been through and can’t believe Double A and I are still here. But they are. And we are too. I don’t know what part of my dream this is, but I do know that the sounds of the past never leave you, even as the new soundtrack plays on.

Does music affect you? What are your songs?

 

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4 thoughts on “Sounds of Pregnancy Loss Replayed

  1. Yes, absolutely. I also have a whole soundtrack that is hard to listen at times. But there are moments where it is therapeutic, if not to remember that to get it all out.

    May you find peace and healing with these songs.

  2. Music I can bring you back to good times and bad wonderful memories as well as some horrific ones let’s just hope it brings back more good than bad

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