But it is more than that.

21. To many people this is a symbol of legalized adulthood. To others it is the luck of a winner. For us, it is just a date. But it is more than that. It is the date that our twins were supposed to be born, and another reminder that they are not here.

The thing is, we realize that if Sarah and Benjamin had survived (ugh, what an awful phrase), that they most likely would have arrived by now. So today truly is just a date. But it is more than that. This due date, like all four pregnancies before, symbolized a hope, a dream, a family. For this date to come around, like each one before it, without having our children with us, and without us knowing when—or if—we’ll ever have living children with us, makes it a heavy day to say the least.

As much as Double A and I are trying not to focus on this day, it looms in the background, just like the song you can never get out of your head. In fact, this “song” has been in our heads now for the past 5-1/2 years. Sometimes it’s so loud that we can’t hear anything else. And other times, it is a faint murmur of an old eery tune you just can’t shake.

The fact that February 21 is here also means that it is over. Not that there was really any doubt, but since we found out we were pregnant on June 12, it had been on this date in the future that we thought—or hoped—that we’d finally meet and get to take home our babies. Healthy. Living. Babies. And when those babies went from three to two, there was sadness, but still hope. And then we lost the twins, and everything changed. Again. But the date was still out there. The “should be” of the future that never seems to come to pass.

Today, and with each due date that has preceded it, there was always the thought or hope that we’d be pregnant again, or since we started the adoption process, that we’d have a baby by the time the date came around. While it wouldn’t make it any easier or replace the babies we lost, it would at least seem like progress. With progress there is hope. Instead, reality is a hard slap in the face. Truth be told, their date—birth and death—is October 9. So today is just a date. But it is more than that.

And the thing is, I haven’t written here lately because it was starting to feel as though this was the place that our family and friends were turning to find out what we were up to, and how we are doing. It started to feel inauthentic. This space is supposed to be about shared experiences. Yet, it felt like it was becoming a place for me to whine and grieve (which I deserve to do), but I wasn’t sure that it was helping others, let alone me. When I talked to Double A about this, he made a good point. He told me that it’s a good thing that people can come to this space to see how we’re doing and what’s going on. That this is a neutral place where those who may not have the words or know what this feels like can come to try to understand. This made me realize something I already knew. Loss isn’t just about the mothers and fathers. It’s about our families and friends, and all of the people who know and love us.

And then I read a post yesterday by Jay over at The 2 Week Wait which reminded me of why I’m here…at least here at Will CarryOn. I’ve said before that Will CarryOn is not just about Double A and me. That it is about the greater us. For all of the babyloss families out there trying to navigate this new, or maybe not-so-new, world.

We are part of a community, whether we want to be or not. And a community supports one another. I don’t know why Double A and I have gone through as much pain, hurt and suffering as we have. I’ll never again believe that everything happens for a reason. And I don’t know what the future holds for us. Through much soul-searching, many tears and even more therapy, I’m realizing as much as I want to, I can’t change what has happened to us and our family. What I can do is find the strength and courage to try to use our experiences to make a difference for someone else. Sadly, there will always be dates, but I know, it is more than that.


6 thoughts on “But it is more than that.

  1. You’ve made it through the date by now and I hope being on the other side lessens your grief and stress just a little. Your commitment to helping others through babyloss is inspiring. ❤

  2. I keep coming back to this space, this post trying to decide what I can even say. The 21st of February has such a tight hold on my emotions even though I have now completed my family it has a history that NEVER will be forgotten (2010 loss of twins, 2011 loss of 20w baby, 2012 liver cancer surgery for my mom). I just tried to breathe through the day as I am sure you did the same.
    Thinking about you still, knowing you are helping others but hoping that you and A will be able to get resolution (whatever that may be).

  3. I have stopped using my new (@survivingloss) Twitter feed the last few days for the reasons you mention – I intended Courage and Hope (much like Will Carry On) to be a source of inspiration for others. But at the moment I do not feel inspirational, I just want to whinge (it is helpful to read your words “which I am entitled to”).
    But, I have been feeling so alone. I seek support and find people who have suffered miscarriage, multiple miscarriage, baby loss or childlessness but not all of them like we have. I know that others exist but I am finding it hard to find and connect. So reading your story tonight might be just what I need. So don’t hesitate to keep sharing, we cant find each other if we dont tell our stories. Thank you so much for sharing your precious story. I long for a happy ending for us both

  4. Erin, it was so wonderful speaking with you at BlogHer13 today. I admire the strength of you, your husband, and all other women (and men) reading your words because they have been through similar pain. NOTHING is worse than harm to or the loss of a child. I am in awe of how put-together you were given all these experiences. Before I start spouting off clichés (which we both agreed that we abhor), I will finish by saying I have immense respect for you as a blogger and human being.

    • Thank you so much for your kind words, Erin. I really enjoyed meeting you at BlogHer13 as well. It is the support that I receive from this community that has helped to provide me with the strength to share our story and survive. I look forward to following you and reconnecting in Chicago soon.

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