No Expectations.

The clock will soon hit midnight, and the calendar will flip to a new year. I’ve been trying to sum up my feelings about it and ironically, I’ve been all over the board. I saw this card and at first, I couldn’t agree more. Goodbye 2012 and good riddance. If I never had to think about you again, it’d be too soon. But then I realized that if we never spoke of this year again, then it would be as if Sarah Hana and Benjamin Samuel (and their triplet) never existed. But they did. And they do. So I can’t wipe out this year from my memory, no matter how awful it was. Not tonight. Not ever. Somehow, what I have to try to do is to reframe how I think about it. Somehow.

Right now when I think about 2012, some choice words come to mind. I’m sure I could string together a proliferation of profanity that would make a sailor blush (who am I kidding, I could do that on a good day), but what good would that do? Who would I be yelling at? No one can change what has happened. Life will continue moving, and who knows what’s ahead of us. I look back on this past year and am once again am amazed by Double A’s and my strength, courage and perseverance:

We didn’t think we could have a worse year. We did.

We didn’t think we could be faced with something even more horrific. We were.

We didn’t think we could survive more loss. We are.

I remember sitting here a year ago, counting down the seconds, thinking the worst year of our lives was behind us. There was so much hope in the air. So much promise. Last year, I talked about not knowing what 2012 would bring, but I had hoped it would be better. And yet here we are.

We have no expectations for 2013, but once again, we find ourselves hoping. And that in itself, says more than I can write.


6 thoughts on “No Expectations.

  1. This really resonated with me. We lost our little girl Molly in April of 2011. I didn’t think 2012 could get any worse than 2011… it did. Grace was stillborn in May 2012, leaving us to join our big sister. We rounded 2012 off with a miscarriage at 11 weeks (just before Christmas), our fifth loss. The ‘we did, we were, we are’ in your post… us too. Much love xx

  2. “We have no expectations for 2013, but once again, we find ourselves hoping. And that in itself, says more than I can write.”

    Amen to that.

    I sincerely wish you and Double A a peaceful 2013. I hope that next new years you won’t have cause for the “we did, we were and we are”.

    Love to you.

  3. Hoping with you. And holding onto this quote: “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” Wishing that 2013 is a year when hope blooms.

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