What Do you Wear to your Children’s Funeral?

Now there’s a question I never thought I’d have to ask. Let alone twice. And yet, here we are. Today, we will be joined by our close family and friends for a small service to honor the lives we wish our twins would have had. The lives we wish we’d be able to give and share with them. The lives we wish they would have been able to experience.

Today they will be buried in that awful small casket, wrapped in a crypt that resembles those tiny styrofoam coolers you see at the grocery store. An image I’m haunted by each summer when they’re on display. They will be buried together as to always be with one another. And they will be buried next to their sister, but not with their sister as apparently there are rules about numbers of bodies to a grave…no matter how small. File that under facts you wish you never needed to know.

We are grateful to my uncle who will lead the service, saying the appropriate Hebrew prayers. Although he may as well be speaking Klingon for all that those words will mean to us, and the beliefs we have in what he’s saying and the prayer book it is coming from. I envy those who have such a strong belief, for ours is shot. Perhaps forever.

The sun is shining and from the window, it looks like a beautiful day. Yet from our insides, the pain couldn’t be worse. The day darker. And the mood more sour. I don’t know how we’re going to have the strength to make it through this. Sure, we’ve done it before, but perhaps it was because we thought we would never have to be in this situation again. Here we are. Here we go. Not for us, but for our children because it is the least—and perhaps only—thing we can do for them now.

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10 thoughts on “What Do you Wear to your Children’s Funeral?

  1. Here from Cristy’s blog, “Searching for our Silver Lining”–I don’t even know what to say. There are no words, just sadness. I am so so sorry for your losses. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. Sent over from Cristy…..please know there are no words, but know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers during this horrifically sad time….

  3. I’m here from Cristy’s blog at Searching for our Silver Lining. I’m so, so sorry about your losses. My heart breaks for you and your husband. I can’t even find the words to say that are genuine and helpful. For some reason or another, you have been dealt a shitty, shitty hand in life. I wish there were some answers somewhere – but I doubt we will ever find any. You are definitely in my thoughts!

  4. I think I’ve re-read your post from this morning a million times and I still can’t believe this has happened. I hope you had many arms around you today surrounding you with love.

  5. Adding insult to injury is when half your clothes don’t fit right? I unfortunately know that horror of choosing an outfit for your child’s funeral. That shocked wandering in a horrified, despairing daze. I’ve always said that I can’t imagine anything worse than losing a child; you have faced so much suffering. I am so sorry but I do know that you and Aaron will survive together. I do not know many couples as loving and caring as you two are toward one another. It is the hardest of roads.

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