All Questions. No Answers.

The Rolling Stones sing, “You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well you might find, you get what you need.” So if I can’t get what I want, then can someone please tell me, just what it is that I need? Because in my book, they’re pretty much one and the same right now. Lately I find myself questioning my hope and belief systems. I mean, I’m not sure whom to turn to anymore when I do hope, or pray, or ask or plead. It seems like it doesn’t matter. Take yesterday for example; I went in for a blood test to find out if I’m pregnant (I’m not). And as I was walking from my car into the lab, I found myself thinking, “I’m not even sure who I should be asking this of, but please. PLEASE let this be positive.” And that just seems wrong. Shouldn’t I know where I’m putting my faith into? I’ve talked before about loss of hope, but now I’m questioning what does faith mean any more?

I used to think that my or Double A’s relatives who have passed on were up in heaven looking out for us. Protecting us. But have come to realize that while they may be looking down on us, they have no control or say in what happens to us. And I get that, I suppose. The thing is, the longer time goes on without any results on the baby front, it makes it harder to hope or believe when you don’t know if, or think, it matters.

I’m not trying to incite a religious battle here. And truthfully I do not want to hear advice that God’s out there, you just have to look harder. Or that he works in mysterious ways. Or that everything happens for a reason. If you believe that, that’s fine. I respect your thoughts and beliefs. What I am trying to do here is put down my thoughts and feelings (and perhaps my confusion and anger), with the hope that seeing them will provide some clarity for me.

There’s that word again, hope. I suppose I should be used to this term by now. As a lifelong Cubs fan, I’ve hoped for the past 38 years that THIS would be there year. And the thing is, at the start of each season, I REALLY believe it.* (*Except this year. While I think Theo & Co. will be good for the Cubbies in the long run, the short term is going to make for one long season.) I like to think that overall, I’m an optimistic person. I try to see the good in people and situations. It’s just that when you try and try and try, and are doing everything you’re supposed to do and beyond, and you still don’t get the results, well, that’s just not right. I won’t even let the word fair enter into the equation.

The road to baby is filled with wishing, wanting, hoping. And unfortunately for many of us, it’s also filled with waiting, crying and wondering. The start of each cycle brings with it a sadness of what didn’t happen and yet a fresh start to what could. It’s a constant whirlwind of conflicting emotions, not to mention raging hormones. We want to believe that this is the cycle. This is the one that’s going to work. Because when you continue trying, you have to believe that, otherwise why try?

So I’m stuck in a strange place. Since we are going to continue to try, there has to be hope, faith and belief. And yet, where that hope and faith and belief is going to be pulled from is unknown at this point. I think I’ve been pretty clear in past posts that I don’t like the unknown. I’ve been living in it for way to long now, and it doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel right. I suppose I just need to let go, and ride the waves as Double A tells me. It’s just that I like to steer.

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2 thoughts on “All Questions. No Answers.

  1. This is such a tricky thing. I find myself getting less and less religious as this hellish journey weighs on me. I’ve found things like meditation, yoga, reiki, chanting to be uplifting, but without any specific faith associated with it for me. I guess that still falls in the spirituality camp, if not religion? I think where I’ve landed lately is not believing in some outside source having control over our outcome. Circumstances will collide, my body and biology will do things, or if adoption route actions and decisions will be made by others, but no divine intervention is at play. I use to *will* things to happen, for everything to be okay or not be as they were, to exert some control over what was happening, and it was just exhausting and not good for me. I think it might be buddhism that talks about the root of pain being denial — something about that stuck with me. Now I guess my primary mental focus is on wishing for strength and peace for myself, whatever comes our way, versus for such-and-such to happen. I’m working on it anyway 🙂

  2. p.s. I think this is why i was so annoyed at my “you go to believe in god’s will” ultrasound tech the other day. I’m trying to live in the moment and accept things as they come, so get off my back lady with your toxic thinking! Okay, I’m done now, sorry to hog your blog.

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