I’ve spent the better part of each day of this past year following an Eleanor Roosevelt quote, only I didn’t know it at the time. “You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” Some days the “thing” was getting out of bed. Other days it was going to work or seeing and talking to people. It has ran the gamut from mind-numbingly mundane to truly “brave,” even if the definition of brave may be broad…and determined by me. And yet to quote a friend from our miscarriage support group, what other choice do we have?
Well, I suppose we do have a choice. I could choose to stay in that dark and sad place, or I could choose to move forward and fight. And even though I choose to fight, there are days and times that bring me back to that dark and sad place where I have to remind myself, You must do the thing you think you cannot do. Tonight was one of those nights.
Tonight, Double A and I had to light a Yartzeit candle. While the actual anniversary of the loss of our baby girl is a little under two weeks away, the Jewish calendar has the date as tomorrow. For those of you who don’t know what a Yartzeit candle is, it is a Jewish tradition recognizing the passing of a loved one by lighting a candle in their honor (Note: this is a really simplistic explanation, if you want a more in-depth one, look here.). You light this candle at sundown the night before and it burns for 24 hours. And while neither of us is feeling overly religious these days, we lit the candle as a way to honor her memory, and honor our ability to move forward and fight.
Sure, there were tears. A lot of tears. Not to mention the sad reminder of what was, what should have been and what’s not. But once again, we proved to ourselves and each other that we can do this. We can keep fighting. Keep trying. Keep moving forward. And I hope that each day when I need to find that strength, I remember the words of my friend Eleanor to carry me forward.