Hallowon’t

I’ve had many ups and mostly downs over these past six months, but I feel like I’ve come a long way. And yet, there are still things that set me back to that dark place so quickly that it feels like I’ve never left. Quite often, it is something somewhat random that sets me off (a song, a look, a light turning red) and other times it is something bigger and obvious (a pregnant lady walking by, a baby, a “harmless” yet inappropriate question). Currently, it’s Halloween. I can’t help but to think, we should’ve been dressing up our one month old in a ridiculous(ly cute) outfit and sending pictures to our friends and family. Posting to Facebook and relishing all of the oohs and aahs that come along with that. Instead, we are handing out candy to our neighbors adorable kids and watching all of the miniature pumpkins and peapods pass by, once again pushing back the “should’ves” that have become too much a part of our vocabulary. Tears are supposed to flow on Halloween out of fear, not sadness.

The thing is, I don’t even like Halloween. Contrary to my husband’s love of all things scary, my motto is, If it scares a 2-year-old, it would scare me. I don’t get the researching of the latest costumes and dressing up. And I don’t see the need to spend money on a costume you’ll wear once…for a few hours (funny, I had the same feeling toward my wedding dress, but that’s another story). And yet, here I sit, wanting nothing more than to BE that mom who is dressed up in a matching theme costume with my husband and daughter. Yep, I’d happily make an ass out of myself and my family for the “fun” of Halloween.

I often wonder, when will the “should’ves” go away. And then it hits me, each time, like a ton of bricks. It never will. The sting may lessen, but the hurt will remain forever. And I have to find a way to deal with that every day. So now I have to remind myself that tomorrow is “normal” day, and in spite of the onslaught of commercials, I still have some time before dealing with the next holiday madness.

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2 thoughts on “Hallowon’t

  1. I am so sorry for your losses and for the sadness you are feeling. I know it all too well. The first year we moved into our new house I was excited to have trick-or-treaters, a year later (and the year after that and the year after that) it was pure torture. Along with the endless pregnancy announcements, baby showers, and the Holidays with the endless stream of cute photo-cards plastered with other people’s children’s cherubic faces. Ugh. So. Just wanted to check in and say I get it….and….there is life on the other side. There WILL be another side. The day will come when all of this is a memory you can access all too well, but it will not torture you any more. Hopefully because you’ll be too busy planning your own children’s Halloween costumes. Peace.

    • Thanks for “getting it,” Frenchie. While I know deep in my heart that we will have a family one way or another, it is always good to be reminded about that from time to time. I truly appreciate it!

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