Will CarryOn: The Launch of an Ongoing Journey

So it only seems fitting that this, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, should be the first post of Will CarryOn. Tonight, my husband and I joined countless others in lighting a candle to honor our four losses. Our most recent one taking place just 6 months and 5 days ago at 17 weeks.

We realize we are not alone, that we are part of a much larger group. And yet, at the same time, we found ourselves lost in the deafening sadness, anger, disappointment and wonder of what went wrong, what did we do and why did we deserve this…again. It has taken us (read: me) much time, many tears, lots of research and of course, good old therapy to realize, that there are no answers. That’s right, there’s nothing that we did – or didn’t do – that could have prevented all of this. And this is something I, as a type-A personality do not want to hear. I like cut and dry. Black and white. Right and wrong. And let me tell you, this is wrong.

You see, when I want something, I do whatever it takes to get it. Not in a spoiled way, rather an “I’m stubborn and I’m not giving up” way. So you can imagine how I’ve dealt with the “whole out of my control” aspect of all of this. While I realized recently how far I’ve come over these past months, I still have days that bring me back to the morning of Sunday, April 10. Where the detailed scenes of that day play like a movie on constant replay in my head. And that sucks. It takes everything inside of me, and the incredible support (and push) from my husband to keep moving forward. And I do, because I know that some how, some way, we are going to get there. At the end of the day, in spite of my fears, I do know, I will carry on. My husband will carry on. Our babies’ memories will carry on. We will carry on. We have to. Did I mention the whole stubborn and not giving up thing?

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4 thoughts on “Will CarryOn: The Launch of an Ongoing Journey

  1. I am so sorry for your losses. There are no words for what you’ve been through.

    It sounds like we have some things in common. I too have been dealing with RPL for the past 4 years (started TTC in 08). All 5 ended in the first trimester. Your words speak to me and capture what has been going through my head after each loss “deafening sadness, anger, disappointment and wonder of what went wrong, what did we do and why did we deserve this…again”. Thank so much for sharing your experience and launching your blog. I am grateful to find you and your blog and am sending you positive baby wishes as you carry on.

    • Starfishkittydreams, I, too, am so sorry to hear about your losses. You’re right, there are no words. While I’m not happy we have these things in common, it helps me to know that I’m not alone in this. One of the greatest things about launching this blog has been hearing others’ voices and reading their stories and experiences. I’m glad you’re finding the same. Sending you positive thoughts and strength!

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